Thursday, September 20, 2012

A little stress relieving profanity never hurts

I pride myself on evolving into a wholesome stay at home suzie home maker mommy. But every once in awhile my rowdy past rears up and I am not claiming responsibility for what I do or say!! Last night was one of those nights and what spewed from my mouth was a shrieking chorus of Motherfuckers that would make a sailor proud.

I had gotten all my kids showered and tucked into bed and decided to call it an early night. I head into the bathroom to remove my contacts, put on my pajamas and brush my teeth. I reach up to the window ledge to get a bag of flossers and the bag accidentally knocks over a bottle of red nail polish. In slow motion I see this happening and think in my head.....no, no, no....please don't break.

SMASH. SHATTER.

MOTHERFUCKER. I scream this. Seriously. There is red, and I mean bright cherry red, nail polish everywhere. Not to mention shattered glass all over the white bathroom tiles and the wood floor of my bedroom. What the hell do I do? I try to tip toe out of the bathroom to grab a box of wet wipes in Maddens room. The flipping box is empty, so now I'm rooting in his closet trying to open a new package of wipes...in the dark mind you. I get them opened and run back to my room and try to start wiping the mess off the floor. It's already dried. MOTHERFUCKER I scream again. Quick dry nail polish....really does dry quick. (I should write to the company and tell them how much I appreciate that their product really works....just not on my motherfucking floors!!) OK...this is not getting the red off the wood or tile. I need nail polish remover. I jump up and try to tip toe out of the bathroom again around the glass and blobs of red paint. MOTHERFUCKER. I step on a piece of glass and now my big toe is bleeding....or is that red nail polish? No, it's blood. No time for a band aid...this shit is drying on the floor and walls and Shaw is gonna kill me.

So I leave a trail of bloody toe prints down the hallway to the linen closet and grab the nail polish remover and a bag of cotton balls. Back to the bathroom and tip the remover bottle upside down and its empty. AHHHH MOTHERFUCKER. Who the hell put an empty bottle of nail polish remover away? Well there are only 2 girls in the house who wear polish and it wasn't me, so I'm thinking I know who did it. Back out to the hallway...toe still bleeding...and go into Brooklyn's room. Open her nail polish drawer and there is the new bottle of remover. Back in the bathroom I quickly get to work trying to wipe the tile floor and the walls and the bedroom wood floor. Thank God it's working. I use about 50 soaked cotton balls, but the red polish is finally off all the tile and wood surfaces. I look at my hands and they are covered in red polish. So I practically pour the rest of the bottle over my hands and rub as I try to remove the polish from my skin. Thankfully it's also coming off quite easily. My tank top on the other hand....trashed. Splattered red polish over a yellow tank is not a good look...unless for Halloween I want to look like a stabbing victim. Hmmm...might hold onto the tank top.

Onto my bleeding toe. A quick wash in the tub and a band aid and good as new. Clean up the trail of bloody toe prints before Shaw gets home and I jump into bed to read.

As stressful as that whole 15 minutes was....I felt great. There is something quite therapeutic in hollering out MOTHERFUCKER. I suggest you try it. Much cheaper than a therapist!


Friday, August 17, 2012

My crazy ass summer

I am becoming such a blog snob and by that I mean completely ignoring my baby. I had so much fun in the beginning of its creation and vowed to write a post each week and now I am averaging about one every 6 months. Eek. Well as I was scrolling though the posts tonight, I decided enough of this foolishness. I have enough craziness in my life that I could actually write a blog post a day if I wanted. Maybe I should.
I could say that since the kids went on summer vacation, I've been too busy entertaining them to write...and that would be partially true. Or I could say that since summer started, I've been too busy working on my tan...and that would be partially true. Or I could say that since July I've been busy travelling...and that would also be partially true.
June and July this summer were a whirlwind of adventure. I can honestly say, I don't think I've ever packed as much travel excitement into one summer before....at least since I've had kids. In June, my son's All Star baseball team competed in the State tournament in Pensacola, Florida. The past 2 years, States has been held here in Pinellas Park so the farthest I had to travel was approximately 7 streets up. From my house to Davis field....phew, wiped me out! Pensacola was about an 8 hour car ride and lucky for me my husband decided he was going to send me alone with our kids and he was going to conveniently fly into Pensacola the next day...Say what? Who approved that travel memo? I usually drive about 3 of the 36 or so hours when we venture to Canada....so this was a major concern for me. Fortunately we made it...all squished together in our little black Honda Civic because once again, Shaw made the decision this would be the more reliable vehicle of the 3 that we own. Again I ask, who approved this travel memo? Our 5 days there was a lot of fun. We came in 2nd in the State and the boys played their little hearts out.
Time to head home. Hmmm....now since Shaw didn't drive up with us, there was room in the Civic for the 4 of us. Not so much now. After some switcharooing... Dallas ended up in the McClanahan van. So far so good. Fast forward 5 hours or so and its torrential pouring rain, complements of Tropical Storm Debby, and we are stuck in a complete standstill on I-75 due to a tractor trailer of diapers flipping onto its side and our trusty, reliable Civic decides to crap out on us. So we cut across 4 lanes of traffic and start driving in the breakdown lane at 20 miles/hour...the fastest the car would go. To make matters suck even more, the motorists we were passing I'm sure assumed we were the a*holes who thought we were better than everyone else and tried to cut off the breakdown lane we were driving in. Shaw, in his very mature calm manner, started screaming (through closed windows) and gesturing to these cars that we were broken down and had to get off the highway. This wasn't embarrassing at all!!! So, to make a long story short, we got off at the next exit, and Brooklyn, Madden and I jumped into the McClanahan van and left Shaw and the sorry ass car in Lake City. He did get it to start driving normally again, after letting it cool off (some sensor issue) and we finally made it to PPark after about 13 hours of driving, vowing to never drive that long in a vehicle again with the kids. My how quickly we forget!!



July 7th comes around and I am sipping a coke and reading my kindle all alone while flying 40,000 miles above the United States....did I mention I was all alone? Now THIS is how you take a vacation. My BFF since primary was trying the knot with her hunky man and I was bound and determined to be there. So after pawning off my children onto unsuspecting victims, neighbors, I happily flew to Canada and relaxed with my dad and childhood friends for a week. Hylas wedding was amazing and a reunion of sorts and I was sooo happy to have been a part of her special day. The next day, I wasn't hung over at all and a delicious breakfast was hosted by her new family and I was feeling soooo relaxed and content. Fast forward a few hours at the airport and I'm looking at my watch and then at my boarding pass wondering why the heck I'm not already on the plane and the sweet voice of the ticket counter lady comes on the PA system announcing that my flight has been cancelled. Not delayed.... cancelled. My wonderful, happy, feelings evaporate. So after many phone calls and ticket vouchers printed up and bags being located....I'm once again headed back into the city. The only silver lining to this fiasco was that I got to spend the evening having dinner and drinks with my 2 besties. The next day, I'm up and headed to the airport at the butt crack of dawn. I really didn't even fall asleep that night because of the shady hotel I was booked into, but I was going home and that was all that mattered. Landed at 12:30 in Tampa and I was off again!

Got picked up, drove to the St. Pete/Clearwater airport to pick up my rental van, went home and literly flipped my suitcase over...dumping all contents on my bed...and then repacked, with all the baseball clothes I had set aside before my Canadian adventure. Packed a suitcase for Brooklyn. Packed a suitcase for Madden and off I went again. 4 hours later, after landing in Florida, I was on the road again. Picked up my passengers...Kati and Payton (Madden and Brooklyn too) and we started to drive. Punched in Germantown, Tenn on the GPS and prayed for the best. I was so exhausted, that I was a bit delirious. Needless to say Kati drove until 10pm. Continued on the next day and made it to Tennessee. Here we were for baseball AGAIN. World Series, baby!! So the next week was a little bit of baseball with a lot of fun thrown in!! Taking over the microphone and singing Proud Mary with the band while cruising up the Mississippi River in a steamboat. Dancing on the bar at Coyote Ugly. Riding the mechanical bull. Looking for Elvis at Graceland. Watching the waddling ducks at the Peabody Hotel....all great times with baseball moms!!
There was some baseball played in between all that fun and our team did place 9th out of 50 teams. Such a disappointment for the boys who all wanted to play some more and make it farther, but they played amazing and we were so proud of them for their dedication and sportsmanship.









Packed up and ready to hit the road back to Florida. Fun and vacation is all over....BUT WAIT...is it really?? In the lobby saying goodbye to friends who were planning on staying another night and then driving to Chicago the next day, and I casually say that I wish me and the kids could go to Chicago instead of going home. Hubby looks at me and says....Go. Just like that. I'm thinking I didn't hear right, after all, the van is all packed and we are heading home in 2 minutes. But nope, he says it again. "That's not a bad idea....you should go to Chicago." And just like that, we are unpacking his suitcase from the van and repacking with Kati, Jack and Paytons suitcases. So Shaw and Dave hit the road to Florida and me, Kati and 5 kids, hit the road North, to Chicago. I think by this point, we have officially lost our mind. The temps in Tennessee rose above 100F, and I think maybe we fried some brain cells. But there we were....driving through Arkansas, Missouri, and into Illinois. We land the next day at Kati's aunt Sally's house and unleash the wildness of having 7 people converge onto a home that already has 3 occupants. The next 5 nights and days were jam packed with fun and excitement culminating in Bettyfest, the annual birthday party of said Betty, who happened to be 91 years young this August. We were welcomed into this crazy, and I use that term loosely, family like we were one of their own and my kids and I will never forget the hospitality and friendliness that was shown to us.


So now we are really packed up and ready to hit the road back to Florida. Another 5 states and we are finally HOME. The rental van was due for drop off at 1:45 and we had it cleaned out and dropped off at 1:28. Now that is what I call....amazing! To say that I am exhausted, doesn't even begin to describe how I am feeling! I haven't slept in my own bed in 24 nights, I have no clean under ware and there is sour milk in the fridge and mold on the bread that I forgot to throw away before our adventures began. But we are home, safe and I still have 3 children and that's all that matters. Not for a long... very, very long time am I going to take a road trip again with the kids.


But I hear Washington, D.C is beautiful in the Fall, and it would be so educational for the kids........... hmmm!!!!

Tuesday, January 31, 2012

Obsession. Addiction. Call it what you want.

WOW....I'm thinking this post is gonna need some tweaking since I'm a little rusty here. I can't believe that the last time I posted was July of last year. Why hasn't anyone told me they missed me? Or wanted me to write a new blog??? I'm kidding, I have heard from you many times telling, demanding, pleading...that I write a new blog post, but for whatever reason, time and life has interrupted my writing. So bare with me as I work out the kinks...gotta remember how to do this, but I'm sure it's like riding a bike, you never forget.

In this post I want to introduce my new love, my new obsession, my-eyes-are-shutting-because-it's-midnight-but-i-just-want-to-pin-one-more-diy-idea....Pinterest. For those of you living under a rock and who have never heard of Pinterest or Pinning....drag yourself from under that dark hole my friend and find out what you have been missing out on! Lately whenever I make something, be it a craft or a food, someone is sure to ask me...."where did you get that idea? Pinterest?" It has sort of taken on a life of it's own in my crafty world.

Now Pinterest can make me feel a like a depressed schizo at times. Sometimes I feel like the craftiest person around who can give Martha Stewart a run for her money and then other times I feel like OMG...how did someone manage to do/make something so fabulous, I could never in a million years do something like that. One minute I feel happy when I find pictures of places where I have travelled and they bring back wonderful memories but in the blink of an eye my mood swings and I'm drowning in a Pinterest funk because let's face it...I'm a stay home, unemployed mother of 3. I'm never going to frolic on the beaches of Bora Bora or sleep in an underwater hotel or eat exotic food in a restaurant hanging above the Chang Jiang River in China. I'm not exactly sure when I started following the website. I think it was sometime over the summer while I was home in NS on vacation. But I wasn't truly a fanatic until about November...and then holy moly, all hell broke loose. I started pinning things here and there, not really pinning anything in particular, just something that I would see and like. I didn't even really know what to do with the damn thing once I did pin it. But eventually I got the hang of it and realized that you could create boards and browse categories and really the options are endless. So now I have 12 boards and 415 pins. I have 102 followers and I follow 103 different pinners. If this all sounds like mumbo jumbo to you, then all I can say is...get with the program!!

So Christmas was interesting because that's when my obsession kicked into full gear and I was re-creating everyday something new that I had seen on Pinterest the night before. From desserts to gifts to appetizers...you name it. If you all are facebook friends, you saw the album I posted with Wilson's nightly shenanigans. Wilson was our Christmas Elf on the Shelf, but he did much more than sit on a shelf...he created havoc in our house and most of the ideas, I got from other pinners who were having as much fun stress as I was.




By the time Christmas rolled around though, I was SOOOO over Wilson and trying to think up new scenes for him, that I just wanted him to die a slow and painful death so that I could end it.


He apparently didn't take the hint because he was around again the next night. Booze and prescription pills are not the answer to your problems folks!!

So back to more pins....everyday I found myself at the grocery store with my list of ingredients for something new that I was determined I was gonna make. If you look at my boards, the pins with food in them are the largest. W.O.W.....Word of Warning....do not Pin late at night when you are hungry or when you are trying to eat sensibly, because that is when you are going to find the yummiest looking cakes, muffins, cookies and pies...hell even flattened cauliflower for a pizza crust looks good then! Buy everything on my list, and then some, get home and re-create the pin. Now for the record, everything I have decided to make has turned out amazing and yummy, so this is not helping my crazy-pin-insanity. Had I made a few things that turned out to be disasters, I may have scaled back on my ambitious cooking and baking spree. Oh hell, who am I kidding, no I wouldn't have!!! Carb induced coma...coming right up!

So to now show off and brag about some of my copycat pins...prepare yourself



This was apple butter. The before picture in the crock pot...and below, the after simmering 8+ hours. YUMMY on home made bread.



This was an ooey gooey breakfast pastry ring, but no matter what it looks like...and it was compared to dog droppings...it was delish and my kids begged me to make another one right away.



 Another fun yummy craft was the heart lollipops. My friend Tiffany had made me one last year for my birthday, so I guess I didn't originally see the idea on Pinterest, but I followed through and made them after having the directions in front of me.

These Santa hats were the hit of a party I took them too. So easy and how adorable are they!


 These marshmallows cupcake also were not an original idea off Pinterest. A friend from home, Holly, had posted pics awhile ago of these cupcakes that her kids had made with a babysitter. I was in awe of them when I saw them on her fb page and they were sooo easy to make. They were however time consuming and I had sugar all over the floor, but they were super yummy and a hit at my husbands mini birthday party, although it was stated that they weren't very manly!


This was a yummy sandwich that I had seen one day and decided to revamp it to fit my likes and what I had in the fridge. It was so good that I made it for lunch one afternoon when I had the WooWoo Sisters over and they all LOVED it. So it passed the taste test. Avocados, tomatoes and mozzarella.

So that's it for the food part....please wipe the drool from your chin, it's so unbecoming! I have made many other things including honey balsamic glazed carrots, ginger cake with warm caramel sauce, tomato/mozza/basil caprese appetizers to name a few, but seriously...I can't take pictures of everything I make!!

Some of the more crafty things I have copied from others who come up with these amazing ideas:
This was the first thing I attempted and I decided to take this on as I was hobbling around on crutches the day after knee surgery. What was I thinking? They turned out so great that I made a smaller pair, added some votive candles and Voila. Instant mantle decorations.
Fun times in the tub for Mad Man. Glow sticks cracked and thrown in the bath water. A word of caution...don't crack too hard or the glow stick will explode leaving you covered from head to toe, including eyelashes, with glow in the dark liquid. This may or may not have happened to me!!

A cute Christmas decoration. A note to Santa along with a "house" key.
This is a wall piece I made for my friend Kati as a Christmas gift. It was an empty frame, I filled it with some pictures of her family and then used scrapbook paper to put in the other empty frames and typed on them the days of the week. It now becomes a family weekly activity dry erase board.

These cute Sundae bath gifts were made originally for Brooklyn's friends on our street but then someone saw them and asked me to make her 8 so she could give them out as gifts. I gladly made 8 more and delivered them the next day!

There are so many ideas for teacher crafts that I may never again buy something at a store! These were made for all the teachers with M&M's. There was a cute tag attached with a poem about teachers and m&m colors...it would make more sense if I had a pic of the poem....but I'm a slacker!

The kids thought this was hilarious. Made this at Christmas for Janie, our next door neighbor. A box of Ho Hos and Ding Dongs. The attached card said, "Ho Ho Ho. Merry Christmas from the Ding Dongs next door" Seriously....I couldn't come up with these ideas on my own!!

This last one was an idea I got to run a paper bag through your printer. I was going to order expensive thank you tags for Mad Mans birthday party but tried this first and it turned out super cool




So there you have it. My copy cat Pinterest ideas. With Valentines Day and Easter coming up...I'm sure to be busy! My latest accomplishment is painting a chalkboard wall in my kitchen. The paint is drying now as I type. I snagged this idea from my friend Sarah, who is a photographer extraordinaire. She isn't as funny as me, but she does have her own blog. Check out her work if you are looking for a fabulous photographer. Here are just a few of the many that she snapped of my kiddos.




If I haven't convinced you yet that if you aren't on Pinterest, you are missing out on a life changing addiction, then you might as well crawl back under that rock where you were living.

One last picture. Because Pinterest has turned me into the next Martha Stewart, I feel that I should have a craft room that looks like this:


Instead, I have a craft space approx. 2ft by 2ft that looks like this:


I need to work on that.

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

OH CANADA....Nova Scotia how I LOVE thee!

I cannot express how much I LOVE my home province and more specifically my hometown of Havre Boucher. Growing up I couldn't wait to grow up and leave this place. I remember sitting on the swings behind the school with my BFF Pauline and dreaming about where the future was going to take us. Years later we happened to be home visiting at the same time and went for a walk around the village together. We stopped at those same swings and our conversation turned into how much we love being here now and coming home.

Everytime I mention my hometown...or rather, village...to friends in Florida, I have them all convinced that their next vacation is going to be to Havre Boucher. I paint the most idyllic picture of this little seaside community and turn it into a Norman Rockwell painting...in their eyes! In fact I did have 2 friends from Florida fly up 4 years ago and they have often told others it was the most beautiful, relaxing vacation spot they have ever visited...so there!!

There are MANY reasons why I love coming home but I will pull a Letterman and do my Top 10 Reasons!

1. The grass is green and the sky is blue. Well it is in Florida too but you don't notice it as much living in a city because of all the buildings and cement. This is the first thing I notice as I make my way home from the airport. How green the trees of the countryside are against the vast blue of the sky.

2. The water is sooooo cold at dads house that my fillings ache when I brush my teeth. I love it. BUT....on the other hand the water is sooooo cold at the beach, that there is no way these Floridian peeps are venturing out further than our big toe!

3. My menu is planned the night before and my personal chef prepares it the next day. All my old home cooked favorites are on the list and my daddy lovingly makes me everything....from his famous roast beef, to hodge podge to homemade biscuits for strawberry shortcakes. YUM-O. And don't get me started on all the free food from Shaws family restaurant!
4. Driving off the transcanada highway into the village is like stoping time. Nothing has changed from when I grew up. The old church and elementary school are gone and a new church and community center are now built, but on the whole the houses are all still the same and the place is exactly the way I remember growing up. It's a nice change from the ever constant growing and changing city I live in. Where everytime I drive down the road something new and bigger is being built.

5. CIGO and CJFX the 2, yes I repeat only 2...radio stations play Bye, Bye, Bye by N Sync and Dressed for Success by Roxette like it's a Top 10 recent hit. With all the new songs out there they are stuck in a rut playing these oldies. But don't get me wrong....I'll be the first to crank up the radio and belt these tunes out at the top of my lungs while crusing into town.

6. Number 3 was about food and now number 6 is going to be about food again....Is it any wonder I gain 10+ lbs every NS vacation. But how can I pass up any opportunity to chow down on a coffee crisp, sour cream & bacon chips, smarties, wonderbar, any and all vachon cakes oh and ketchup chips too. They are Canadian favorites and unfortunately cannot be bought in Florida...anywhere. I once saw a coffee crisp bar at the Dollar Store and bought all 11 of them. I was like a madwoman grabbing them off the shelf for fear that someone else would eye them and want one. And no I didn't share...not one!

7. Pot holes. Trans Canada highway in general. I'm not sure how anyone has a car left to drive, these highways are so horrendous. I guess its not one of my top 10 reasons why I love it here...just thought I'd throw it in!

8. Speaking of highways...I am constantly on alert when driving here. At night it is sooo dark I become mesmerized by the dotted white middle line flashing by. I drive at night in Florida but I live in a city so it's always lit up. Also the highway here is turned into an obstacle course with deer dodging off and on the highway and dead porcupines littering the side and sometimes middle of the road. Since all my senses are on high alert I become a better driver here paying closer attention to the road. Also the no-talking-on-your-cell-phone law helps too.

9. Oh the eau du skunk. Such a lovley smell for the nostrils. An animal that we don't have in Florida fortunately. Well maybe there are some in the country but not in the city where I live. And cow poo. Another lovely smell for the nostrils. I'm joking here people but a smell that I do love is the smell of freshly cut grass. There is so much of it here that the smell is intese. In the city where people have a 5' by 5' lawn...there is no lingering cut grass smell. One of the smells that reminds me I'm back in the country.

and number 10.....Mamma always gets a new tattoo. Shaw once joked that he wasn't going to let me come home anymore because everytime I returned to Florida I had a new tattoo. Wait until he sees what I have in store for him this year when I return!!!

City living is where I chose to be but I'll always be a country girl at heart. Like Dorothy said...There's no place like home!!

Friday, May 27, 2011

The Birds and The Bees

Sorry I have been neglecting you my friends. Seriously though, between baseball games, practices, tournaments and end of the year team parties.....I have about 2 hours of the week left to myself! It has finally ended for Brooklyn and her Bulls softball team and Madden and his Reds T-ball team. So now we are focusing on Dallas and getting him ready to head to Georgia with his All Star team. 4 days a week....10 hours of practice....I might as well install a cot in the dugout and call it home, since I'm at the field more than I'm at my real home!

But in between those baseball hours we are home and finishing up the school year. A month or so ago Brooklyn brought home from school a note for the parents, telling us that a Personal Health and Body Lesson was going to be taught in the classroom. There wasn't much more info on it, so being the crazy mom that I am, I immediately emailed her teacher to find out what exactly was going to be taught to my little naive 5th grader. She wrote back informing me that a parent information night was coming up and everything would be explained then. So I marked it on my calender and shuffled kids around that evening so that I could make it to this info session.

Now, I may be 34 years old. I may have given birth to 3 children. But get me in a room with strangers, looking at pictures of sperm and eggs travelling down the fallopian tube and talking out loud about vagina's and the penis...I start breaking out in hives. Normally, this stuff doesn't bother me and I'll be the first to talk about vagina's...actually I think I did talk a lot about mine in this post...but when I think about having to talk out loud about this stuff to my daughter, the itchiness and blotches start.

So the info session was OK. They brake it down into 5 1 hour classes. Boys and girls separated. And it starts with puberty, goes into the male anatomy, then the female anatomy, menstruation, and then BAM....straight into talk about AIDS. Whoa....back up some. Is there any information taught about sexual intercourse, how babies are created or how AIDS can be passed onto others, other than through blood transfusions. NOPE. I guess they have to guess, or the best answer....Go Ask Your Parents.

So overall I'm OK with what she is going to learn in this class. But for the most part, she already knows this stuff. Its the actual baby making act that she knows nothing about, and quite frankly I'd rather her not know. But since she is going into middle school next year, I feel I need to educate her on this before her classes in school starts, so she's not sitting in her desk confused as ol' hell.

I don't remember my parents sitting me down and talking to me about this. I do remember a very graphic book that mom gave me to read and I very vividly remember my father...who also happened to be my 6th grade teacher....teaching the 6th grade girls all about this. Oh how I wanted to die from humiliation. I slumped down as far as I could in my desk....in the back of the class....as far away from my dad and his pointer stick....pointing to the slide show of vagina's and penis'. He should have realized my uncomfortableness and asked to teach the boys. But he didn't and that's how I learned.

Shaw is the P.E. teacher at his elementary school in Tampa and he also teaches this class to his 5th graders. So I pleaded with him to take his vast knowledge of this subject and to enlighten our daughter. He laughed in my face. So with that, I drove over to Borders and bought a book called It's So Amazing. Seriously, a fabulous book. Funny and to the point. I was busting a gut curled up the children's section of Borders reading this book. Bought the book and drove home, giving myself a little pep talk the whole way home, You can do it, you can do it!!!

I walk in the door and Brooklyn is all ready for bed curled up, reading a funny Judy Moody book. I ask her if she would like to read a better book than that!!! Haha. She looks up skeptically. So I start with my prepared speech about the lessons that are coming up in school and she puts her hands over her ears and like a little 5 year old says 'lalalalala....I can't hear you'! This is starting off great! So I pull her hands down and tell her if she doesn't hear me out, then I'll have to get her father in here to read the book out loud to her! That quickly gets her attention. So I show her the book and how its broken down and I tell her to read away.

I keep peeking around her door frame and she seems to be totally engrossed. Every once in awhile I holler out...'Got any questions'? and she hollers back...'Nope, I'm Good'!!! Phew, this is going better than I thought. Then I hear....'Mom, I got a question'. Oh crap. 'So does the mans penis actually go into the vagina'? Nothing like getting right to the point and there I stand rooted to the floor. The one question that has haunted me since the day I gave birth to her. 'Um, yup....it actually does'. 'And does it hurt or feel good'? Oh good lord, shoot me now. I can't even tell you what I answered her with because there was a lot of stuttering and incoherent mumbles. I wanted to tell her it hurts like hell and to run as fast and as far as you can when that time comes. But I didn't.

So she finally gets to the end of the book and aside from a few other questions about homosexuals and the XY chromosomes that determine the gender....we were DONE. So now she is all knowledgeable and I'm breathing a sigh of relief. That is until it comes time to teach Dallas all about it...But I still have a few more years before the toture begins again.

I'm not sure who gave this subject the term 'Birds and the Bees'. It should be called 'The Monsters and the Goblins' because that is some scary stuff right there.

Friday, April 22, 2011

Give yourself a KitKat...Give yourself a (Facebook) break!

So while I was on a break from facebook, I came to the realization that I do have more willpower than I thought! While I did cheat here and there and peeked on facebook sporadically....I did restrain myself from posting or liking or commenting on anything. SO to anyone who had a birthday...happy belated birthday. To anyone who got married, engaged, had a baby, completed a course or class.... Congratulations. And to those of you who updated that you were sick or tired or bored....who cares!!

5 things that I have realized over the past 40 days.....

1. DO NOT drive through a yellow light at 66th Street and 46th Ave. in Pinellas Park. I did and saw the bright flash of the camera snapping my licence plate. Sure enough....I received a lovely red light violation ticket in the mail to the tune of $158.00. Not a "this is your 1st warning" ticket. A Mo#*er F*^~ing $158.00 ticket. Suffice to say Shaw was NOT happy about this. I will be performing favors for payoff of this ticket for a looooong time.

2. I would like to quit my job and become a professional vacationer. Oh wait, I don't have a job, well a good paying one. And I go on so many vacations that I probably could put it on a resume as a professional job. Crusin' to Cozumel with my peeps (peeps meaning friends and not hubby or children) was amazing. Sleeping in, laying on the pool deck sunbathing while Svetlana from Sweden served me frozen slushy drinks with fancy little umbrellas, being rocked to sleep by the gentle waves (or was that just my head spinning from all the wine consumed), having 5 or 6 options to choose from on the dinner menu and eating it while its still hot....I could soooo get used to that. Got home and 5 days later took my kiddies on a plane to visit my sister in law and her 3 kiddies in Indianna. Now while  realized I did that backwards (because I needed a cruise to relax after 5 days with 6 screaming kids) it was fun and we all had a memorable time together.

From this...

And this....

Too this...

And this!!!

3. I have gotten serious in my weight loss goal. My new motto is "If I don't do it, nobody else is going to do it for me" Meaning....get my fat ass off the couch and outside to exercise! So I have bumped up the healthy eating regime and started back running. I'm up to running 2 miles and walking a mile. 2-3 times a week. My knee is still killing me and I have another Dr. appt for it next week but I enjoy putting on my sneakers, cranking the tunes on my ipod and just getting outside and running. Weighed in today and lost 3.5lbs this past week. That makes me feel good about my efforts. On my way to skinny bitch status. 

4. As a motivator for losing this last bit of weight I have given myself an "end of the tunnel" reward which I cannot wait to claim. A new tattoo. My fabulous tattoo artist Jamie has me on the books for August 1st. So first I have to lose 20 more pounds and second I have to get to Nova Scotia this summer. Being invited to Will and Kates royal wedding seems more probable at this point than either of the other 2....but I'm gonna keep plugging away. At the weight loss AND at Shaw to allow us to fly to NS this summer.

Tattoo that I'm a gonna get on inner left forarm with seeds "blowing" down my inner arm to wrist. (Minus the writing!)

5. I have alot of great friends. You all really missed me while I was gone. Ok, well maybe you just missed my funny status updates and my witty blog posts....but it made me feel really good to see the "Welcome Backs" from everyone after just one day back! While I have over 700 facebook friends, I really only connect with a quarter of you on a daily basis and I'm truely thankful for this social network that allows us all to connect with one another even from different countries.

OH.....one more thing I realized....don't answer the door to the FedEx man with just a robe on. You may happen to have a 3 year old, next to you,  pulling the sash untied and exposing body parts that should never, ever see the light of day. Wardrobe malfuntion. And a happy day to you too Mr. FedEx man!!!

Thursday, April 21, 2011

Bragging Rights.

Having kids means I get to become that obnoxious in your face-i think my kid is better than your kid-bragging kinda mamma! It's a good thing I only have 3 to brag about. Any more and it would turn into a full time job.
This photo cracks me up every time I see it. Our attempt at a family picture and my 3 fabulous kids are all looking a bit wonky!!

My oldest and only daughter truely is the ray of light in my life. She is the kindest, sweetest most lovable kid ever. She has a mothering instinct and is always there to help me with Madden or any other kid that is around. She insists on a hug and a kiss every night and as soon as she wakes up in the morning...I sometimes don't even get that from hubby! She has an innocence to her that I wish would last forever but unfortunately won't. Especially since she is going into middle school next year which means this summer I have to stomp on and squish every  belief she had...and in some cases, still has...about Santa, the Easter bunny, the toothfairy and...insert hyperventilating and sweats here...I have to have the "Talk" with her. The birds and the bees can't be put off any longer. OMG....I'm having a panic attack just thinking about it.

But until then I'll keep her in the dark as much as I can...because that's the kinda mamma I am! Any suggestions are appreciated and wanted!!  She has become quite the little pianest and I know her Nana..the former choir organist and piano teacher...is smiling down from heaven on her when she plays! She truely has an ear for music and picks up pieces after hearing them only once.


Keeping with her musical talents she also loves to sing and she auditioned and made the All County Chorus. There were 3 girls that made it from her school. Many days of afterschool practice and evening rehearsals finally ended when over 200 students from Pinellas County came together for the performance. It was amazing and was televised on local tv.

Brooklyn, Isis, Rachael and their music teacher ( Mrs. DeCosmo) and Principal (Mrs. Pitts)

She works very hard in school and brings home report cards that are verrrry different from mamma bears old report cards!! All A's. She gets Citizen of the month awards and because of all her hardwork she is in the gifted program at her school and this allows her to go on special field trips.
Smartie pants holding up their Principal List certificates for having all A's.


Citizen for the month of March.


Fieldtrip to Epcot because her gifted class was learning about China.

She recently did something to help others and it was by chopping of her locks. She voluntarily chopped off 10 inches so she could donate it to Locks of Love. This is the 2nd time doing it and I'm very proud of her for thinking of others in this way.

You would think her talents end there....but nope, she has more!! Aside from being academically gifted she also loves to play sports. While she doesn't play ball at the level of her younger brother, she puts her heart into the game and gives it all shes got.


Now onto bragging rights for child number 2. I guess it would start with his baseball playing ability. I have never seen a kid his age play they way he does. My nick name for him is little Babe Ruth. Seriously...all the kids that he plays with on his two teams have this uncanny knowledge of baseball that seems unrealistic for their age. He proved his baseball playing ability by making the All Star team last summer and heading off to Tennessee to play in the World Series. His team came 7th out of 52 teams. Not too shabby.

Poor little guy, so upset they didn't come in first place. Broke my heart. But they played AWESOME.


Winning the State Championship.




My Shark pitcher.

He also can break boards!! Don't mess with my Kung Foo Panda!
video

His athletic abilities aren't his only redeeming quality. As you saw in the picture earlier, he got all straight A's on his last report card. For his Thanksgiving concert at school he was chosen to be the Chief.

He also has the artistic gene passed down to him from Pappa and Nana. His painting "Sunset Palms" was selected to be displayed in the Pinellas County Administration building this whole school year.



He also is fearless. Not sure where that comes from... He decided to not only jump from the high diving board during swimming lessons last year...but he flipped off the diving board too. I can barely jump in the pool while just standing on the side. This pic is of him taking the plunge.


Now let's get to my most talented child!! Mad man Madden. While he has yet to perfect any one activity...I know that with time and practice he'll surely rise to great hights.


Third baseman! Way to catch those balls.



Future swimming olympian...in training.

Videographer?

D.J.?


Dancer...Performer?


Musician?

Taste tester?

Stay at home dad? Those are mad folding skills!

Speed skater?

Computer programmer?

Cross dresser?

Artist?

Oscar the Grouch?

Fisherman?

Archeologist?

Tattoo artist?

Whatever talents my little mad man chooses to perfect will be ok with me. In fact, whatever any of my children choose to do in life, I will always stand behind them 110%. As long as they are happy and trying their hardest I'll be one proud momma. OK....That's it. I'm sure you all are ready to barf at this post and all my mommy bragging but it's my blog and I can post what I like. Go get your own blog and start bragging.