Tweaking the leaky pipes....

As most of you know I went into the hospital on Friday morning for some nip, tucks and tweaks. Now I would love to report back to you that I increased my rack size or that I decreased my tummy size but such was not the case. Although Shaw did tell the kids that mommy was in the hospital to have a butt reduction. I wonder if they mentioned this to their teachers......

What do sneezing, coughing, jumping, dancing and laughing all have in common???? Well every time I did any of those things I peed my pants. Oh and let's not forget hopping on a trampoline. There is a saying...."I laughed so hard I peed my pants" Well in my case if I ever said that, then chances were I wasn't lying!! Having delivered 3 kidders naturally puts a woman's body through the wringer and after baby number 3 there were parts of me that were drooping and I don't mean my ta-ta's. They miraculously stayed perky!

So after many doctor consultations I decided to go ahead and get the transorbital sling surgically placed inside me to life up my bladder to stop the leaking. First doc visit we had to figure out if I had stress or urge incontinence. After the very humiliating tests were complete it was decided that I had stress incontinence and that surgery was the only option to fix this problem. My doc asked me if I wanted to try a few months of kegel exercises......puh-lease. I had been doing them on and off for the last 10 years, I was waaaaay beyond kegels fixing my problem. I was moving into the Depends stage of my life.....at 34 years old.

So now to try and figure out a good time in my life to fit this surgery in. Especially with an overnight hospital stay, one week of no driving, heavy lifting or stretching and six weeks of laying low. Finally it was decided that February was a good time. Isabel was going to be around to help me with the kids and housework and taxi-ing. So Friday morning I was at the hospital at 5:30am.  Forked over $500 to the ladies in Admitting for my co-pay, signed my life away to the nurses in pre-op and said a prayer. I derobe and put on the starchiest johnny shirt, mesh cap and booties. Bummer.... I had just gotten a pedicure too the day before just so my surgeon could look at my pretty toes and now they were going to be covered up with blue paper booties. What a waste of $30.00. The anesthesiologist came in and asked me a hundred and one questions. I sounded like the healthiest person alive answering them. When he asked if I had any questions for him, I just said, "make sure you knock me out good!" Gave a kiss and a wave to Shaw who went off to look for a Starbucks and was wheeled into the OR. I kept thinking, this is the real life Greys Anatomy. I started to say a little prayer to my guardian angel and then all went black!

I groggly woke up to "Mrs. Webb? Mrs. Webb...can you hear me?" oh my god. My throat felt like something had been jammed down it...which in fact, a breathing tube was jammed down it....my mouth felt like I was sucking on dry cotton balls and my va-j-j felt like it had been hit with a sledge hammer. Good times. Eventually I was wheeled up to my room on the 6th floor where Shaw was waiting for me. Slowly I was waking up and in tune with my surroundings. Shaw stuck around for 2 hours and then my BFF Kris played hookie from work and came to visit me for the afternoon. It was then they tell me that I cannot have anything to eat or drink until 4pm. Are you kidding me? I last ate and drank something at 7pm Thursday night. So I get this lovely pink sponge on a stick that I'm allowed to wet and swab my mouth. Wow. Thank you so much!

Not a pretty site! I nicknamed my first nurse, Emeril Lagasse...it was really Julie. Every 4 hours there she was...BAM....stabbing a needle of morphine in my ass cheek. Around 5pm I finally get to drink some apple juice and man it tastes good. 9pm I try some jello and near about puke. Guess that's why they didn't want me having food all day. I don't even attempt to get up this day at all. They tell me to relax so that's what I'm gonna do. I doze off around 10pm. I wake around 3am and can't get back to sleep so I turn on the tv and watch Mr. Holland's Opus until 5am. I am awakened around 6:30am to the most gorgeous sunrise over tampabay and the Yacht Club. What a view. I could get used to this!

Day 2 is much better than day 1. I am able to move my legs around without pain shooting up my who-ha. They try to move me to the chair and I feel like I'm gonna pass out. Deep breaths. Not working so back to bed I go. Nurse number 2 is nicknamed the magician....it's really Tammy.... because she tells me she is going to remove the gauze packing that is inside my who-ha. I look down and seriously she looks like a magician pulling that multicolored never-ending ribbon out of a hat. It went on forever. Finally about 35 feet has been unrolled out of the va-j-j. Catheter is also removed and now I have to go to the bathroom on my own. I get up, nope not gonna happen. So a porta potty is rolled to my bedside. When you go into the hospital for surgery of this nature you have to check your modesty at the door b/c even if you try to be discreet, it's all there....for all to see! Back in bed. Back in goes the catheter. So fun. Blood pressure check for the thousandth time....which happens to be really low all day. 79 over 59....whatever the heck that means. One of these days I'm going to google it and learn what those numbers mean. Lunch time. Oh my god....on the menu for today is regurgitated hamburger helper with a side of vomit. I eat the bowl of mixed fruit and wait for Shaw to arrive with my Chick-Fil-A chicken sandwich, waffle fries and lemonade. Much better. Nurse comes in and tells me I have to get up and go for a walk. Ok. I'll try. I make it to the door and look out....holy mother....the hallway is infinite. I make it 3 doors down and get light headed. Back to bed I go.

6pm. My FABULOUS third nurse Jen asks me if I feel well enough to go home. By then I'm feeling good and ready to get home in my own bed. So out comes the catheter and the I.V., on goes my comfy clothes and in the wheelchair I go downstairs to be sent on my merry way.

Day 3 and here I am locked in my bedroom with my laptop and a nightstand full of some good drugs. I woke up at 6:30 and couldn't fall back asleep so Shaw decided to help me take a shower. He hopped right in with me.....wasn't that nice of him! He said he was doing it so that I wouldn't get lightheaded and fall. Well, no funny business is allowed for 6 weeks so I had to make sure his intent was honest enough. Get through the shower and back he helps me to bed. He helps me dress right down to my undies and socks because it's hard to bend. Then I get served breakfast in bed and my concoction of juice and drugs. I fall back to sleep for a few hours. Oh joy....the kids are up and screaming. I'm sure Isabel or Shaw has everything under control out there. I'm afraid to get up and see! So for the next week...this is my safe haven. I will not venture out into the jungle that is my living room, playroom, kitchen because I know if I do my OCD will kick in and I'll want to clean and organize. So if you would like to stop by and visit, be prepared to snuggle up on my bed with me!

Hopefully all this pain will be worth it in the end and that my internal plumbing will be fixed and the leaky pipes corrected. I'll blog about it in a few months when the Doc told me is around the time I'll really start to see results. Crossing my fingers the Depends stage of my life has been put on hold for at least another good 34 years!!!